YYYMonday, November 24, 2008
The As have been over for like 4 days, but it seems like they have been for a long time already (:
Haha okay so now its time for some post-As reflections!
I think that, spiritually, I have learned a lot from this A level period. Perhaps next time when I look back on hindsight I might even find that what I learnt was far more impt than my grades themselves.
Prior to the As, I was quite pleased with how I did for my prelims. I was certain that in the period leading up to the As I would absorb even higher level stuff/ become even more familiar with all the content/ totally internalise all the history stuff that needed memorising. I envisioned myself totally breezing through my As with minimal stress, much unlike the uncertainty and fears of the prelims.
So I was very very disappointed with how my SEAhist paper turned out. I somehow missed out the "newly independent" part of the democracy question, got confused while writing abt decol, and my IS tensions essay was short due to time management problems. On the whole I just felt that I hadn't performed as well as I could have. I had wanted my A levels to be perfect- I would write the best essays I had ever written, I would totally show off everything I had learnt. I felt that I had let myself down in the end, esp since I was expecting SEAhist to be my better history paper.
I moped arnd for part of the wkend after SEAhist, though I felt much better after the exam prayer session in church where I was reminded that God is in control of my exam results. Okay, I thought, I will try to surrender more to God, I will try to do better for my 2nd history paper. Next came GP and Math paper 1, which were okay. I didn't finish my AQ, and I think I made a lot of careless mistakes for Math, but I wasn't too disappointed. I had revised my initial, overly high expectations and anyway there were a lot of papers the next wk which I had to start preparing for.
But I had caught a terrible cold during math paper 1 and this is when the real trouble started. The cold soon developed into a flu and then into a sort of asthma attack/ bronchitis kinda thing. Math paper 2 was alright since math doesn't need a lot of studying just before the exam, but it was quite torturous mugging for the 4 papers in a row the next week (Lit 1, Econs 1 & 2 and History 1) while coughing and feeling unwell. I went to see the doctor and told him not to give me any medicine which would make me drowsy, because I needed to be alert during my papers and I needed to do a lot of last minute mugging! I didn't know it then, but so the medicine he gave me made me unable to sleep instead. It was really bad! I couldn't fall asleep for 4-5 nights in a row. Like the night before the morning Lit paper I went to sleep at about 3am- and I'm a person needs a lot of sleep!
All this while, I was praying very hard. There was nth else I could do! I was sick, mysteriously unable to sleep at night, and hence also unable to get much proper studying done. God was very faithful. He worked many miracles for me. I would pray and ask for a huge miracle- "Lord, please work a miracle. Help me to finish studying for Econs in time because I have no energy and so few hours left"- and He would give me what I asked for, even as I ended up having to ask for more and more miracles (all the time saying that this would be the last time I was going to ask for one!).
The change in my rship with God came when I found out, the night before my IH paper (the 2nd last paper), that the medicine was the cause of my sleepless nights. I got very angry with God. Before, it was easy to think that perhaps, God was afflicting me with sickness and insomnia because He wanted me to relax, He wanted me to see that the As weren't so impt, He had a plan for me etc. Now that I knew the cause of at least my insomnia, I began to feel very angry, and wondered why God was allowing all this to happen to me, why I had to waste so many precious sleepless hours which could have been spent studying, why I had to suffer so much during my As when all I wanted to do was to concentrate on studying. There was a lot of self-pity in all this I know, and I was aware of it at that point in time. But still, for the first time ever, I was very angry and frustrated with God, and I told Him so.
I feel that that was a breakthrough in my rship with Him, because there is now a new level of honesty. There is also greater acknowledgment that indeed, God is totally in control of all aspects of my life. This is smth I'm still having trouble with because very often, my pride gets in the way. In fact, after my SEAhist paper, I felt a little resentful even, because I felt/ knew that through my disappointing performance God was reminding me that He is ultimately still the one in control. I had prayed hard during my prelims because I felt unprepared, and my whole post-prelim-pre-A level prep was motivated by the thought of preventing that from happening again. I wanted to be in control of my A levels. I didn't want to have to leave it up to God and his plan/ whims and fancies. But eventually, I ended up having to pray even harder, and I didn't like having to do that.
I say that there is greater acknowledgment that God is in control now because even as I was mad at Him the day before my History paper, I still (had to) turn(ed) to Him for help. And He responded by working yet another miracle that week, by making the History paper turn out okay- I could answer 3 essay questions (just nice) even though I had memorised so little the day before it was highly likely I couldn't find 3 questions to answer.
After History, my sickness ran its course and I got well before the last Lit paper. Haha in time to play after the end of As! Lit turned out to be a good end to the As because unlike many of my other papers I actually completed 3 whole essays w conclusions and all that, and it actually turned out better than expected! (:
Yay okay I'm nearing the end of this really long winded post. Hm perhaps I made the As out to be more terrible than they actually were above. Perhaps I took the As, the prelims and in fact all my academic studies in JC too seriously. I dunno. But I think I've def grown a lot over the As. Not in the way I would have liked it, but I'm grateful anyhow, and I'm fully aware of how I'm alr v v lucky and blessed and that I'm really too self-absorbed.
Many fun weeks ahead! I'll end here :D
12:14 AM
